Friday, October 31, 2014

Taking A Break

I've had a rough week. I'm not even going to try to "sugar coat it" for you, it sucked. I have been trying to express my feelings in writing but every time I write it down it either sounds like a pity party or  like I have just regurgitated a fucking Hallmark card. The simple truth is I got another diagnosis, this time a ovarian cyst. Not a big deal I know but just another item on the ever growing list that has become my life. I'm being strong and all that positive shit, but let me tell you something it is fucking hard.

People always tell me that I'm strong and they could never do what I do. That kinda puts me on some kind of a pedestal that I feel I have to stay on so I don't let everyone down, and honestly I'm just fucking tired. I'm just ready for a break, just a reprive from my life for a moment. I don't have a endless supply of possitivity, I have to refill it with my own soul and spirit. I pray meditate and tend my soul to keep it full but even that is not enough at times.

Don't let your condition define you, well when you have CON DI TIONSSS its hard not too. Clearly I have some work to do. My entire job is taking care of myself, and sometimes I fall short. My life defines me and my issues define me just as your career as a artist,  teacher or countless other jobs would define you. My life is my career, my livelihood and my reality, and I make mistakes. There is no school for my career, no guide book no steps to follow and no degree. Its just perseverance and survival. So the question everyday that I ask myself  is "do you want to keep fighting for your life?" AND EVERYDAY I ANSWER YES. I will keep answering yes everyday till I don't want to fight any longer. Make no mistake I value every single moment and every second I have and I'm thankful for them all. But its hard and standing on that pedestal of strength, well sometimes I need to sit down, I'm not giving up I just taking a break  I'm not sitting on the ledge thinking everyday wheather or not  I should jump on the contrary  I'm sitting on ledge watching the sunrise and just taking a fucking break

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