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Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Change

Change- we have all experienced it, embraced it, or even balked at it. I have come to realize that change is inevitable, but for a transplant patient your main goal through change is perseverance. Our bodies change but moreover your mindset changes. As a transplant patient your life become more difficult and hard changes were forced upon you, (because lets face it nobody wants a transplant it becomes a necessity).

The process leading up to transplant is arduous, with constant testing, the labs, the setbacks and the endless waiting. The changes that our bodies undergo and the emotional rollercoaster we encounter is all part of this process. The biggest challenge I  faced was all the changes.

The first thing I had to change was the way I worked the way I performed my everyday task. I had to step down from a position, and take a easier job [with a pay cut]. I then had to begin the endless doctor visits while trying to keep a job. Then came the dietary restrictions the vitamins and long list of " Do's and Don'ts". Hurdle after hurdle was met until that fateful day.... TRANSPLANT DAY. Those changes saved my life, and started me on new awakening. This meant I had to change the way I thought about things. Leading up to Transplant there really wasn't time for thinking or contemplating. I was focused on my goal which was a transplant. The way I handled things was to meet everything head on, no time to think about all the other stuff. I approached it just like it was a job, which I guess in retrospect it was. Post transplant my mindset began to change. Things settled down medically, me no longer able to work as I once did gave me time for reflection. I thought about "What roll do I play now?"  "What's my purpose, my reason for being?" you know all those life questions I thought I dealt with in my twenties. I thought perhaps I was having a midlife crisis. I always had a plan, so I had to change....again. Well my life was upside down, I had a doctor appointment coming up soon so I thought I'll just ask a few questions and see if this is normal behavior. I had such anxiety when the doctor walked in the room, he said, "Hey Tabatha how are you today?" I burst into the ugly cry, trying to explain through the sobs what was wrong. The doctor... clearly taken aback by my outburst said to me, "No wonder your like this, you have undergone some serious changes." "Its okay all the feelings your experiencing", and added "All this anxiety is perfectly normal, lets get you to a counselor and possibly some meds."  Needless to say I saw a counselor and got a prescription to help with the anxiety. Through change I am growing, although the anxiety subsided I still had all those lingering questions. I'm learning through all the changes... good and bad and some of my questions may never get answered, and that's okay. Sharing my experiences and changes with others is helping me find my way.

I have learned to embrace changes, not only to embrace them but to view them as inspiration.  I now go beyond the everyday to see within myself. My change is not over, it is only beginning. Changes are not be feared they are to reveled in. The changes we endure enrich us whether good or bad, there is always something to learn from them. I changed to be better and I continue to change to gain understanding and clarity.

               

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Happiness At Last

I have experienced a great deal through  my journey. I have learned some very valuable and hard lessons along the way. My bitterness that came from being ill  has faded,and been replaced with since of calm and peacefulness. I know now that those hard lessons were crucial in teaching me what I needed to know and that was HOW TO LIVE.......
 
We have all heard that we get so busy making a life we fail to live it. I truly know now what that really means. It was my quality of living that I neglected, in truly living a happy and fulfilling life. That's my lesson, I learned to value my life and the gift of my life. My second chance at getting it right! I had to go through those difficulties to get my reward, my peace.
 
I have become successful at achieving true happiness, peacefulness and fulfillment. I sorted through all my issues figuratively and literally. It was hard and honestly painful sometimes. I had to evaluate myself not the situation. You see... my whole life till now was dealing with situations, not handling my life, when I did that I gave my happiness away to the situation. I expected my husband and material things, my job and money to make me happy.
Happiness started with me. I found and fixed what I had done to myself. I started with small yet significant steps.  I learned to forgive myself and love myself and to be proud of what I had accomplished. I stopped blaming and started owning my shit. Therapy and a prayer and and unwavering support from my family and friends made it much easier to change.
 
Everyday is a new and full promise. I know the concept of achieving happiness sounds silly, perhaps so... I don't need their approval. The only approval I need is my own. I refused to be defeated by negative thoughts and actions. I'm well aware things may go wrong or the day may not unfold as I have wanted, and that's okay because I can handle it. I handle it because I know the problem will resolve and things will continue to go on. Its called faith....Faith in my god, faith in my myself faith in the those around me.
 
My life is happier because I choose to be happy and thankful for the life I have been given. I don't try to understand those who bring negative to my life, I just remove the negative. It keeps me healthier mentally and physically when I choose to be my own best positive influence.  I then surround myself with those whom I love and respect and admire  and learned to give all of my heart every time. I surrounded myself with joy. I forgive easier, I learn more, I feel more and I gain such clarity and calmness.
Through struggles I found resilience, through pain I found happiness,  through bitterness I found forgiveness and in tithe end I obtained unconditional love from MYSELF!

Tabatha

Saturday, January 17, 2015

So What

I woke this morning!! It sounds simple to some but for others like myself (with chronic illness) it's the greatest victory in our journey of wellness.

Sometimes our simplest task are tiresome and daunting. I know first hand at the frustration of not being able to accomplish what the heart is willing to do.  I've had to learn to take my time and not rush. "It will get done when it gets done" is my new mantra, and it is helping me adjust. Letting go of the rush of hurrying along all the time, has relieved some stress.

I had to say the "the  hell with it" and " so what"!! Let it go (now that song is stuck in my head). It's been a freeeing process of not having that burden on me to rush everything to completion. "So what" if there is a dish in the sink, "so what" if there is dirty towel on the floor, "so what" if I don't want to cook! It all eventually will get done when I get to it.....and that's ok!