Lessons

What happens when your world is turned upside down? When you're  hit with a chronic illness, a death of a loved one, what do you do? Do you learn anything from the experience? What's you "take away"? Do you give up?  WHAT DO YOU LEARN FROM THE EXPERIENCE?

Questions flood our daily thoughts through any crisis. Memories come rushing back like flood waters breaching a levy. We rethink situations, we may even have regrets at how we handled it. Despite any regrets there is always  lessons hidden in the moments of our lives. Whether or not we pay attention and learn from the experiences is up to us.

Every experience forms us and shapes us, like a ball of clay. When faced with chronic illness, it's easy to succumb to the pressures of feeling disconnected from what's happening. Your world as you know it stops. It changes and becomes something entirely different from what you've been accustomed. Things you once took for granted may seem out of reach.

When I became ill and spent hours in the hospital, I would look out the window and see a sunny day. I wanted to feel the sun stinging my skin in the August heat. When my mother passed away, I would wake up in the morning without that familiar smell of Maxwell House brewing in the kitchen. Those things I took for granted, those things I missed. I still smell the coffee in the morning and I still feel the hot August sun, but I never take them for granted. Now I inhale that aroma of coffee a little deeper, and I stretch my arms out and hug the hot sun.  I'm thankful and grateful for those simple pleasures. My lessons are endless, and I learned not to take anything for granted. I  relish each experience whether good or bad.

I live to believe that each experience holds a lesson for me. I learn more about myself, and hopefully it maked me a better person. A person open to change, and a person who wants to experience what life has to offer. I accept all these changes in see the beautiful knowledge locked within each experience, for that is how I became me. I move on, I live, I learn, and I evelove and in the end I'll be better than yesterday and ready for tomorrow.

Elect Humanity

Well I have returned to my blog. I had some health problems and unfortunately  the blog fell to the wayside, however I feel that the time has come voice my opinion.

The elections looming upon us means different things to different  people. Some of you may be staunch supporters of the Republicans some are die hard  Democrats, others may be Independents or even indifferent altogether.  My feelings on politics vary based on platforms and character. I really could care less what side of the fence you fall on as long as you are fair, honest, non-judgmental, compassionate, and posses some sort of bipartisanship. That being said none of the potential candidates posses this traits.

My biggest concern in politics  has always been about Healthcare, and for obvious reasons. I grew up without insurance and did not qualify due to pre-existing conditions. My mother was forced to be on welfare in order for me to obtain Healthcare. Yes she was forced, nothing was available at that time, that would allow her to work and still provide Healthcare for our family.

Obama care I think we all can agree has been a huge mess. I don't  presume to know how to fix the problem that Healthcare has become all I know is what I have endured. I do know this... I am a product of the failed Healthcare  system. I grew up in a terribly  flawed system and I paid for with my life. I underwent reusing needles to point of pain, reusing lancets, rationing out test strips, picking up change on the side of the road to buy another bottle of insulin, because I was only allowed one per month, but used two. 

I would not be here typing this blog if Obama care had not forced insurance companies to insure me and those like me.  I would never have had a transplant, and I would most likely be dead at this point. I'm not being overly dramatic these are the facts. I am the failed Healthcare  system that needs to be fixed.

We as a society  have the power to cure so many, and yet we deprive those who could be saved. Why is it so hard to help those who are less fortunate?

I realize there are several  factors for treating people and insuring them. If other countries can do it, and do it productively, then I think we could as well.  When did it become a flaw in one's character to help others? When did we become so heartless?

You want to make America  great again? Start with helping one another. Start with compassion. Start with tolerance. Start with love for humanity ,and leave the judgements for God.

Change

Change- we have all experienced it, embraced it, or even balked at it. I have come to realize that change is inevitable, but for a transplant patient your main goal through change is perseverance. Our bodies change but moreover your mindset changes. As a transplant patient your life become more difficult and hard changes were forced upon you, (because lets face it nobody wants a transplant it becomes a necessity).

The process leading up to transplant is arduous, with constant testing, the labs, the setbacks and the endless waiting. The changes that our bodies undergo and the emotional rollercoaster we encounter is all part of this process. The biggest challenge I  faced was all the changes.

The first thing I had to change was the way I worked the way I performed my everyday task. I had to step down from a position, and take a easier job [with a pay cut]. I then had to begin the endless doctor visits while trying to keep a job. Then came the dietary restrictions the vitamins and long list of " Do's and Don'ts". Hurdle after hurdle was met until that fateful day.... TRANSPLANT DAY. Those changes saved my life, and started me on new awakening. This meant I had to change the way I thought about things. Leading up to Transplant there really wasn't time for thinking or contemplating. I was focused on my goal which was a transplant. The way I handled things was to meet everything head on, no time to think about all the other stuff. I approached it just like it was a job, which I guess in retrospect it was. Post transplant my mindset began to change. Things settled down medically, me no longer able to work as I once did gave me time for reflection. I thought about "What roll do I play now?"  "What's my purpose, my reason for being?" you know all those life questions I thought I dealt with in my twenties. I thought perhaps I was having a midlife crisis. I always had a plan, so I had to change....again. Well my life was upside down, I had a doctor appointment coming up soon so I thought I'll just ask a few questions and see if this is normal behavior. I had such anxiety when the doctor walked in the room, he said, "Hey Tabatha how are you today?" I burst into the ugly cry, trying to explain through the sobs what was wrong. The doctor... clearly taken aback by my outburst said to me, "No wonder your like this, you have undergone some serious changes." "Its okay all the feelings your experiencing", and added "All this anxiety is perfectly normal, lets get you to a counselor and possibly some meds."  Needless to say I saw a counselor and got a prescription to help with the anxiety. Through change I am growing, although the anxiety subsided I still had all those lingering questions. I'm learning through all the changes... good and bad and some of my questions may never get answered, and that's okay. Sharing my experiences and changes with others is helping me find my way.

I have learned to embrace changes, not only to embrace them but to view them as inspiration.  I now go beyond the everyday to see within myself. My change is not over, it is only beginning. Changes are not be feared they are to reveled in. The changes we endure enrich us whether good or bad, there is always something to learn from them. I changed to be better and I continue to change to gain understanding and clarity.

               

Happiness At Last

I have experienced a great deal through  my journey. I have learned some very valuable and hard lessons along the way. My bitterness that came from being ill  has faded,and been replaced with since of calm and peacefulness. I know now that those hard lessons were crucial in teaching me what I needed to know and that was HOW TO LIVE.......

 

We have all heard that we get so busy making a life we fail to live it. I truly know now what that really means. It was my quality of living that I neglected, in truly living a happy and fulfilling life. That's my lesson, I learned to value my life and the gift of my life. My second chance at getting it right! I had to go through those difficulties to get my reward, my peace.

 

I have become successful at achieving true happiness, peacefulness and fulfillment. I sorted through all my issues figuratively and literally. It was hard and honestly painful sometimes. I had to evaluate myself not the situation. You see... my whole life till now was dealing with situations, not handling my life, when I did that I gave my happiness away to the situation. I expected my husband and material things, my job and money to make me happy.

Happiness started with me. I found and fixed what I had done to myself. I started with small yet significant steps.  I learned to forgive myself and love myself and to be proud of what I had accomplished. I stopped blaming and started owning my shit. Therapy and a prayer and and unwavering support from my family and friends made it much easier to change.

 

Everyday is a new and full promise. I know the concept of achieving happiness sounds silly, perhaps so... I don't need their approval. The only approval I need is my own. I refused to be defeated by negative thoughts and actions. I'm well aware things may go wrong or the day may not unfold as I have wanted, and that's okay because I can handle it. I handle it because I know the problem will resolve and things will continue to go on. Its called faith....Faith in my god, faith in my myself faith in the those around me.

 

My life is happier because I choose to be happy and thankful for the life I have been given. I don't try to understand those who bring negative to my life, I just remove the negative. It keeps me healthier mentally and physically when I choose to be my own best positive influence.  I then surround myself with those whom I love and respect and admire  and learned to give all of my heart every time. I surrounded myself with joy. I forgive easier, I learn more, I feel more and I gain such clarity and calmness.

Through struggles I found resilience, through pain I found happiness,  through bitterness I found forgiveness and in tithe end I obtained unconditional love from MYSELF!

Tabatha

So What

I woke this morning!! It sounds simple to some but for others like myself (with chronic illness) it's the greatest victory in our journey of wellness.

Sometimes our simplest task are tiresome and daunting. I know first hand at the frustration of not being able to accomplish what the heart is willing to do.  I've had to learn to take my time and not rush. "It will get done when it gets done" is my new mantra, and it is helping me adjust. Letting go of the rush of hurrying along all the time, has relieved some stress.

I had to say the "the  hell with it" and " so what"!! Let it go (now that song is stuck in my head). It's been a freeeing process of not having that burden on me to rush everything to completion. "So what" if there is a dish in the sink, "so what" if there is dirty towel on the floor, "so what" if I don't want to cook! It all eventually will get done when I get to it.....and that's ok!

With hope all things are possible, with faith everything is manageable, and with love everything will prosper.

When you feel passion, embrace it.
When you feel madness embrace it.

Then you know the difference.