Fixing my Soul

When I became ill and forced into some serious lifestyle changes I became angry and resentful. Not only had my lifestyle changed so did my attitudes. It was hard to face a life changing illness, and I had to find a way to cope to keep myself from drowning in self pity and why me's??My soul was damaged and I had to fix it!

I really didn't know where to begin to start my journey of healing my soul. The truth is I never really thought about it that much, I had my diabetes to deal with, my busy job, sick parents, and a marriage hanging on by a thread, fixing me was at the bottom of the list. Then when I found out I was sick... I mean really sick.It became more clear to me to fix my life I had to repair my soul.

When I left my job and had to sit and try to get well, I had a epiphany I guess you could say, about what I was going to do. I needed some introspection. The good, the bad, and the ugly rehashed to evaluate. Not a pretty proposition, but a necessary one. So I set out in my head to do my soul searching. I found out that this materialistic narcissistic world did not need another negative vibe in it, I chose at that very moment to be as positive as I could of course that started me another journey to discover what it really means to be positive. A topic that proliferates through my blogs and that I strongly believe in.

All that material crap that we worked for all those years, the truck, the house the clothes, the fancy dinners out I mean all that is nice but it doesn't feed your soul. I needed to find that voice deep inside me again and bring it to the surface, and listen to what it was telling me to do.Once I figured out that I was not happy with those things and figured out what was really important my soul began to heal.

I reconnected with long lost family members, and feelings and happiness and just sheer joy. This is the best medicine for your soul..... love! My love of friends and family, and the sense of peace that gives me is amazing, my darkest times have been made easier but just knowing how much love surrounds me. Being able to feel the sun on my face the grass under my toes and love in my heart will keep my soul and me happy, so feed your soul everyday for it has a voracious appetite and if negleted it will die

Success

I had my biopsy yesterday, and my surgeon said it looked non cancerous from what he could tell. This is not from the pathology though, we will have to wait on that to know for sure, but it looks negative so far.

On the up side Bill got his appointment to get his kidney stone eliminated hopefully he will get some relief. It is hard to watch him in so much pain. We are remaining positve even though it is hard at times for Bill.

They say ( not quite sure who they are yet) that opposites attract, well in this case that has become true. I'm the optimist the glass is half full. Bill on the other hand the glass is half empty, has a the abitlity to crack, and is the last glass in the entire world what are we going to do? This makes him the worst case senario pesimist, however he always has a plan to fix said glass.  I suppose this makes us a good team, at least it defines our rolls in our relationship a little.

Bill is the fixer the true man of the house ( at least I let him think so). If something is broken he is the man on the job evrything from the car breaking down to me breaking down and going to pieces. He always tries fix whatever he can. Sometimes it does cause a fightor two.I feel parented and times, and just like a child I rebel, then the fight insues over something usually very insugniffiacant. But I have come to realize it comes from a place of love and support. He has been through so much with me, the death of my mother, lung cancer with my dad, and now my ongoing illness. Always there, even if he doesn't want too he does it, the list is endless.

I'm not saying we don't have or moments, I come from a long line of door slammers, and have a mouth like a sailor at times( I'm sure  the profaninty is proliferating through the walls as I write) and Bill can do some pretty good screaming and cussing himself.  but all that aside we are good toghther and have carried ourselves through some really rouogh times. He is my rock, my best friend, and wonderful caring human being that has carried our family far.  Other people think that we may not be successful, we don't have the fancy car, the fancy house, or lots of money. Those are not important we both know what truly is.... FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND FAITH IN GOD, With our family and friends we will always know that someone is there to help, pray for you,and love no matter what mistakes you have made or what happens in the future. That is true success, being a good human being. Because in the end we are taking nothing with us to heaven but our souls!!!!

Biospy

Well tomorrow is my breast biopsy and I can't help but be reminded of my mother. She battled breast cancer for about 8 years till she finally gave up the fight and succumbed to the cancer in 2009. She had lost her ability to fight, her spirit, and determination. Once that was all gone death came swiftly.

I used to be angry at her for wanting to give up and just surrender, but going through what I have experienced so far I have a better understanding of what she felt. It can be hard to hang on, although I certainly am  not ready to give up the fight, I have come too far to quit now.

This will be my fourth biopsy so you can understand my apprehension. Positive attitude and prayers have given me strength that I didn't even knew I possessed, so I head into surgery tomorrow with a renewed sense of optimism and  hope.

Despite the outcome I will deal with whatever the results may be, with continued positivity and strength that has been my mantra through every battle I have ever encountered. I will be the positivity in my own life and guide myself through any and all obstacles, because after all that is what I do...move forward and endure!!

Fear

Yesterday  I wrote about a positive attitude. Today I wanted to discuss fear, the fear we face during adversity. When I first became ill at the young age of ten with type1 diabetes, I was terrified and frightened beyond belief. the fears I had were very intense, and it started gradually after I began to realize what was happening to me and what type1 diabetes actually was. After my shocking diagnosis I was bombarded with information, facts, techniques for administering insulin, statistics. This is where the fear started to play a huge roll in my life. I became paralyzed with it and it soon started to rule my life.

I became afraid to sleep at night because my blood sugar may get too low and I may die in my sleep. I became sleep deprived and started sleeping in class at school. I also became very afraid of taking insulin without my doctor telling my mother how much to administer. I didn't trust anyone at t6his point in my life. The fear of dying had become my driving force.

Mortality is a big topic for a ten year old to grasp, I mean who wants to deal with that? I had to though, and when I finally faced my fear of dying only then did I start to live!

This is where my faith in God came into play, I decided that if God wants me then he is gonna take me and there is nothing I can do about that. I prayed for strength and guidance, and it got me through. Then I started to deal with my fear and  as time went on I became less and less afraid of death. Because when it comes down to it....it is not a question of dying ( because we all will sooner or later) it is a question of living and how to live the best life possible.

I try to live each day without fear,although sometimes I still get afraid, but that is ok, because it doesn't rule my life anymore!! 

Thoughts for the day

Positivity, I say it to myself all the time. But what does it really mean to be positive?? Do we all just put on happy faces and persevere and face our daily challenges, or is there more to it? I think so.

My theory is that we all have challenges each and every day, but here's the thing... you have to believe in the positivity your portraying, you have to live it in your soul. The reason I say this, is because that I have said I was positive to too many people over the years that I am keeping a positive attitude, when in fact it wasn't true. I have gotten too overwhelmed and pretended to be positive, and I was quit good at it, but inside I'm crying my eyes out saying "why me"?!! You have to BE THE POSITIVITY IN YOUR LIFE. I know that now, and I channel it every day, but it took me some time to really learn to be positive, it didn't just happen.

I have also come to the realization that when we face our challenges there isn't always going to be a reason why, something happened. My challenges are just that, my challenges. It doesn't mean they are any more or any less important than anyone else, just different. People often say to me I could never do what you do, how can you always be so positive and have a good attitude? Truth is I don't know, I am for the finally positive and truly mean it. My soul is living in a positive place, and that is all the comfort I need....WELL FOR NOW ANYWAY!! Stay positive and keep going!!

Mita and I, we met at Peidmont Transplant Institiute

I haven't blogged in a while. I've had a plethora of things going on. My head is spinning just thinking about everything that has happened so far. First I was hospitalized for a possible stroke ( later indicated a TIA,  then  the Dr. said to be a stroke. then back to TIA again, then multiple strokes in years past) Confusing I know but true none the less.

Sent home with a walker from the hospital to steady my gait, still suffering from chronic dizziness with no clear cause. I'm currently waiting  now on a Neurology consult...again!!



The entire episode was very frighting and confusing, and now a new issue has emerged. I'm undergoing a breast biopsy yet again, this will be the fourth one I have had done. I'm praying for a negative result, but the possibility of a positive result always lingers in my mind. I'm sure it going to be negative...right?? It has to be because what kind of God would make me endure almost dying (too many times to count) only to kill me now with cancer. I mean my God is not sadist he wouldn't do that to me. He would have called me  home long before all this right? Well this is what I chose to believe it keeps me sane.

I just keep praying!