Fear

Yesterday  I wrote about a positive attitude. Today I wanted to discuss fear, the fear we face during adversity. When I first became ill at the young age of ten with type1 diabetes, I was terrified and frightened beyond belief. the fears I had were very intense, and it started gradually after I began to realize what was happening to me and what type1 diabetes actually was. After my shocking diagnosis I was bombarded with information, facts, techniques for administering insulin, statistics. This is where the fear started to play a huge roll in my life. I became paralyzed with it and it soon started to rule my life.

I became afraid to sleep at night because my blood sugar may get too low and I may die in my sleep. I became sleep deprived and started sleeping in class at school. I also became very afraid of taking insulin without my doctor telling my mother how much to administer. I didn't trust anyone at t6his point in my life. The fear of dying had become my driving force.

Mortality is a big topic for a ten year old to grasp, I mean who wants to deal with that? I had to though, and when I finally faced my fear of dying only then did I start to live!

This is where my faith in God came into play, I decided that if God wants me then he is gonna take me and there is nothing I can do about that. I prayed for strength and guidance, and it got me through. Then I started to deal with my fear and  as time went on I became less and less afraid of death. Because when it comes down to it....it is not a question of dying ( because we all will sooner or later) it is a question of living and how to live the best life possible.

I try to live each day without fear,although sometimes I still get afraid, but that is ok, because it doesn't rule my life anymore!! 

Thoughts for the day

Positivity, I say it to myself all the time. But what does it really mean to be positive?? Do we all just put on happy faces and persevere and face our daily challenges, or is there more to it? I think so.

My theory is that we all have challenges each and every day, but here's the thing... you have to believe in the positivity your portraying, you have to live it in your soul. The reason I say this, is because that I have said I was positive to too many people over the years that I am keeping a positive attitude, when in fact it wasn't true. I have gotten too overwhelmed and pretended to be positive, and I was quit good at it, but inside I'm crying my eyes out saying "why me"?!! You have to BE THE POSITIVITY IN YOUR LIFE. I know that now, and I channel it every day, but it took me some time to really learn to be positive, it didn't just happen.

I have also come to the realization that when we face our challenges there isn't always going to be a reason why, something happened. My challenges are just that, my challenges. It doesn't mean they are any more or any less important than anyone else, just different. People often say to me I could never do what you do, how can you always be so positive and have a good attitude? Truth is I don't know, I am for the finally positive and truly mean it. My soul is living in a positive place, and that is all the comfort I need....WELL FOR NOW ANYWAY!! Stay positive and keep going!!

Mita and I, we met at Peidmont Transplant Institiute

I haven't blogged in a while. I've had a plethora of things going on. My head is spinning just thinking about everything that has happened so far. First I was hospitalized for a possible stroke ( later indicated a TIA,  then  the Dr. said to be a stroke. then back to TIA again, then multiple strokes in years past) Confusing I know but true none the less.

Sent home with a walker from the hospital to steady my gait, still suffering from chronic dizziness with no clear cause. I'm currently waiting  now on a Neurology consult...again!!



The entire episode was very frighting and confusing, and now a new issue has emerged. I'm undergoing a breast biopsy yet again, this will be the fourth one I have had done. I'm praying for a negative result, but the possibility of a positive result always lingers in my mind. I'm sure it going to be negative...right?? It has to be because what kind of God would make me endure almost dying (too many times to count) only to kill me now with cancer. I mean my God is not sadist he wouldn't do that to me. He would have called me  home long before all this right? Well this is what I chose to believe it keeps me sane.

I just keep praying!

I loved my time away it was so relaxing, and I really enjoyed visiting with my friends and their awesome family!! We did a great deal of fun and exciting activities, I got experience so many things and enrich my life. I will never forget the kindness I was shown.

Then I returned home to discover my reality. I certainly did not  get the reception I hoped for. We have   gone through so much, with each other that it is not always a pleasant experience. I feel as though there is some resentment we both share for one another.  I am at a loss as what to do next.

I suppose the smart thing to do is plan a visit with my therapist as soon as possible. I do wish however, that he would go with me to a marriage counselor, but he feels it is not necessary. This is unfortunate, but it is his choice and I respect that.

Moving right along... I was so inspired by my visit to the museums in St. Louis. I saw such incredible works of art, everything from fifteenth century Spanish ceiling tiles to works by Winslow Homer and Renoir. It made me want to paint right then and there. Such beauty, and creativity.

I'm very thankful for all that I have and the friends that love and support me with every decision I make. I grateful to be alive and to have such wonderful people around me everyday. I'm glad to be alive, it may not be the life I had imagined, but it is my life and IT SURE AS HELL AIN'T BORING!!!